My dream life has been pretty interesting my whole life.

I seldom have pretty, flowery, fun dreams.

Mostly they have been of a nature of solving problems.

Several years they were filled with water or the threat of water.

Then there was the claustrophobic scenarios that would catapult me into sudden waking and ultimately, a panic attack.

I can say that at this moment (with only slight trepidation) it's been a while since this has happened.

My fear since Jenny's death was that this would begin again. Anyone who has suffered from panic attacks knows exactly how horrifying they can be, especially in the middle of the night when you feel like you are totally alone in the whole world and you have to escape outside because it's the only place you think you will be able to actually breath and stop that awful feeling that you have to... or want to... crawl out of your skin.

But mostly you think you just



But none of that is going on this time.
A wonderful, wonderful thing.
And the dreams......well, they are interesting, but not horrible.

So this morning.....the few seconds before waking.......I had the dream-vision.

An iron gate. Somewhat ornate, really.
I was standing in front of it.

On the other side: several dark figures.
Not scary, just dark, no faces or names.

Clearly I was not opening the gate, but it wasn't fear that prevented me.
It was a decision not to open it.

In the next moment I'm awake.
Staring at the ceiling and the morning thought came.
(I've spoken of these morning thoughts before.)

The dark figures where the sad thoughts of that horrible night when Jenny was taken, of my little brother's death and that of my mother's.

All the thoughts that would send me spiraling downward and into the panic attack.


I was not opening the gate and NOT allowing the thoughts to come in.

THEY were on the other side.

I was safe.

I am safe.


red tin heart said...

I know what it is like to have panic attacks, they are horrible. I am glad you had a choice not to open that gate. A good sign. I dreamed John died the night before his accident, and I warned him to be careful and told him about my dream. He promised he would. I have always had dreams that came true or partially true. It scares me so much sometimes.

Thank you for your kindness sweet Rella, you have made a difference in my life. xoxo Nita

Joan Ellis said...

Bless you, Rella. (I used to have panic attacks, too--they are devastating.)