Hovering on the wall of self-pity and starting to give in to tears

after a week-long physical battle

so tired of it that I cannot stand myself......
(and Brat Cat has even dismissed me)

..I spoke with a dearest friend who has been through her own battles

and in doing so,

and speaking of someone dear to HER
that is going through her own issues.......

I came away thinking about


and of a phone conversation several years ago I had with my little brother who was dying.

His illness and death was a drawn out thing.

Sad and cruel.

And on that particular Saturday as we spoke, all he wanted to do
was go outside and feel the sun and smell the smells that only the outdoors can bring.

You see, he had worked with his hands all his adult life and at this point he was only just into his 40's
and he lay in a bed in a Nursing Home type of place as he could not care for himself after being in the hospital.

He was looking out the window as we spoke......2500 miles apart...... his voice choked as he said so simply "I just want to go outside, Sis....just for a little while."

I cry even to type that.

such a simple request.

He loved the outdoors as much as I do and we talked about how stepping out the door into sunshine or crisp wind could make everything seem all right again.

The last time he and I walked outdoors together was about a year before we found out he was sick.

It was an August night..late. I was in Connecticut to celebrate our Dad's birthday and his also since their birthdays were five days apart.

We walked to the back yard of the home he was so proud of on 7 acres in the woods and he gestured up at the stars and said

"this is what I love come out here at night and look up at all the stars"

I remembered that night silently as I held the phone and listened to, and felt, his longing. Me, the older sister, helpless to change the heart just aching for my little brother, namesake of our Father.

Little Bobbie.

Today as the sun shines so brightly.......I am heading out to feel the the slight breeze and look at the blue, blue sky.

I am able to do this small thing that feels so big.

Everything is better when you step outside.



Sharon said...

Hi friend,
I'm hoping you are ok and enjoying the outside. It is very cold here but bright and inviting. Maybe I will join you out there.

~*~Patty Szymkowicz said...

SO touching Rella and eye is easy to take the simplest pleasures for granted....thank you for touching my heart and expanding my consciousness,,,,as you always have a way of doing....
*Peace*Love*LIght* dear one

Shonna said...

What a beautiful and meaningful post. You brought tears to my eyes. I hope you are feeling better soon.

Joanna Rowan Mullane said...

Oh my sweet friend, this post brought tears to my eyes. Just wanted to tell you I was thinking of you and I think I realized now why. Sending you a really big hug and my prayers.
In love and light,

Rachelle said...

Love your blog and blog header...

vintage moon studio said...

Am a new visitor to your lovely blog... such a poignant post. Stepping back to find perspective does help put our priorities in order. Lucky you being in the warmer climes now - it is cold here in New England with snow due tonight! Deb

zUzU said...

me here. such a naughty faerie am i ... so long to visit anyone ::sigh:: and then i find ... you so sad.

It is sunshine out today ... warm. In the middle of a gray winter. Now perhaps I know why. It is for you to be happy.

I am going now, to stand outside and look up into the trees and ::wish:: for bobbie to be there. He will be smiling ... Outdoors with the birds and his beloved trees.

And tonight I will hang another star from the studio's rafters ... one that will stand strong next to the one that shines for your sister. I shall hang a sea star for your sweet brother. He will shine special among the silver glittered in a sea of stars.

sending to you ::wishes:: of happiness to enfold you like angel wings. love you! -zU

Jamie said...

Take care sweet Rella. What a wonderful message and one conveyed so beautifully. Thank you. Love, Jamie

Cindy Dean said...

Oh Rella,
You made me cry! I hope you feel better soon.

CathWren said...

Sweet Rella, so sorry to learn that you are in a bad place. I have not lost a sibling but I am a big sister too. My two sisters are not speaking currently over absolute silliness, and I am planning to send them to read your blog.

I hope that the sun on your face brought you comfort. You know I am always here for you if you need to talk.


* mY fRiEnDs cALL mE Rella * said...

To all my lovely, lovely friends. I Feel quite bad to have caused any of you to tear......I really wanted to express how I could simply NOT stay in a place of feeling sorry for myself over a week of bad back issues, especially as I looked out at a beautiful day and remembered what Bob was so longing for several years ago...a few months before he died. Bloody hell.....I could certainly get over my boohooing and step outside and feel the sun on my face...right??? So that was the thing. Get over it and step outside because it all feels so much better when we can do that.

You are all dears and I thank you for your comments and e-mail and I certainly encourage you all, no matter what is bothering you today or tomorrow....step outside. Whether it's new snow, or bare trees that are such art forms in and of themselves, or the blue sky of the the West. It's all good.

xo Rella

Maija said...

I am sending you a big hug!